what is motivation and how do we get it?
Motivation is not a new concept - it has been around for years and is firmly ensconsed in literature surrounding many fields.There are lots of new fads around motivation, motivational speakers and motivational coaches. For these to be successful though, we need to be able to 'teach' motivation, not just talk about it. It's essential that we understand what motivation is, what it is not and what causes it to be present and not present. It is a surprisingly complex concept that effects every single thing we do in life and the effect the environment has on us, both inside us and outside of us, in our thoughts and in the things we do and don't do.Behaviour Analysts are experts in the field of motivation and here at NETwork Interventions, we pride ourselves in our ability to teach it to children and adults. More importantly, we pride ourselves in our ability to teach you why you or your child is not motivated for a particular thing, activity or area and then fill the gap and teach that motivation. I am not saying that we should teach boys motivated by ballet to be motivated by rugby, or that we should teach people naturally motivated by one on one relationships to be gregarious social butterflies. Not at all - God has given us all different giftings in different arears.
When a lack of motivation for a certain area, such as social interaction or to speak, is caused by a lack of a skill (what we would call a skill deficit) that is when we can do something about it. There are two sides to this, and I am not going to debate the pros and cons to both. One side accept their child, spouse or self as having the skill deficit and lack of motivation and embrace that world of lack of social interaction of language, for example. The other observe the skill deficit, teach the skill and then the motivation to be all that they can be.
I am in the latter camp. If Annie, my little girl, does not have the motivation to interact at a party (like today), I look at why she does not have that motivation. If it is a skill deficit, which in this case it was because she did not know what to do, I give her the skill (I prompted her to sign 'help' to a little girl and the little girl helped her to dance to the music) and then see if her motivation for that activity increases. Well after Annie could sign help and get the instruction on what to do, she danced to the whole activity and smiled and showed many signs of motivation. If Ludo, my husband, has no motivation to complete his essays then I look at why those essays aren't getting done. Is he missing skills? In Ludo's recent case, he did not have the skills to tackle completion of the task - he did not know how to do a proper bibliography and reference as he has never been to college. So he looked to get taught these skills, attended a class, and is now completing his essays at a much faster pace. I assumed that when the essays weren't getting done he was being 'lazy' and 'couldn't be bothered'. Then I looked further. Oh how bad I felt!
When i procastinate on a task, or when I am not motivated to do something then it is often due to a lack of a skill-set. When I acquire that skill-set, my motivation soars. Of course I am never going to be a champion rower, nor am I never going to be a mathematician. But with the skills in maths, I am motivated to complete my accounts. Without those skills, I will procastinate and not be motivated.
How many people look at our children and think they are lazy? How often does society look at the adult who stays isolated and collects things and label them 'odd' and socially ignorant/lazy/insert untruth here......?
I spoke with two parents this week of children who were not motivated socially. Both mums phoned me to have a chat to see if I could help their child become more motivated to have friends and sustain friendships. Firstly we needed to look at whether or not their child was naturally motivated by their own company and small group company, or if motivation hadn't developed or had died due to missing skills. We asked a few questions, such as:
- 'do you have to draw information out of your child?'
- 'does your child label things in his or her environment spontaneously to you?'
- 'does you child ask for information, such as when, why, how, where, what?'
- 'does your child ask for attention, such as look at me, listen to me, look at that, listen to that, wow it's a .....?'
-'is your child able to answer questions about what he/she does, did and is going to do?'
It the answer was no to any of the above questions, there is a definite skill deficit and we need to learn some skills. Your child can be 4 or 44, but can still acquire these new skills and then become motivated.
The reality is, if we start with motivation in an area but we don't have the tools in our skill-set to access reinforcement (good stuff) in that area, the motivation will die and the behaviours we were engaging in to be motivated and to get stuff done will die. That can be anything from language to social interaction to administrative tasks, through to a business project.
If there are skill deficits, let's teach those missing skills and allow motivation to naturally flourish. If motivation is not present where it is supposed to be present, the likelihood is that we will engage in some very inappropriate behaviours over the course of time ranging from apathy and/or depression through to frustration and/or rage. Let's equip our individuals with the skills they need to be motivated and to thrive.
Equipped individuals = equipped parents = equipped families = equipped communities = equipped world. Let's start with the individual.
Motivating the ONE will motivate the whole, and nobody is beyond motivating.
perseverance
I have had some beautiful verses sent to me recently, mostly about us being on the winning team and God providing for us in every way. I have been thoroughly enjoying these verses and immersing myself in God's word and His promises to us. It's true that because He loved us first, we are able to love Him. He came first. He loved first. I get that. BUT in the majority of places I have been reading where he bestows His amazingness on us, where He performs miracles, where He gives us everything we need, we do something first.Luke - 'because of the man's boldness (aka perseverance), he will get up and give him as much as he needs'
Luke - we are to ASK, we are to SEEK, we will then FIND. We are to KNOCK. Only then will the door be opened to us by our loving Dad.
In John, Jesus tells the man to PICK UP his own mat and WALK, in Mark the sick woman in TOUCHES Jesus' cloak. The list goes on.
God goes as far as to tell us in Thessalonians that if we don't work, we shouldn't eat. Wow!
God is also telling us to persevere. Persevere in prayer, persevere in behaviour. I want to finish this race, and I want to finish it well. That means perseverance and perseverance can mean discipline, scheduling and sacrifice. I will not have a clean home, unless I persevere and continually maintain it. I will not have a thriving marriage unless I nurture it, I will not have children who love their Lord with all their heart unless I teach them. I will not have a thriving family unit unless I sow in to it. I will not have a successful business unless I persevere in the tough times. I need to develop perseverance in prayer and in behaviour. Only then will I fully glorify Him and only then will I have a chance at finishing this race well. We are a short term society, wanting quick fixes. It will take a lot to swim against the tide and teach our babies the skill of perseverance.
So yes, God loved us first but often we must DO first before God does. Kadayer and NETwork Interventions has the skill set to help you to persevere to overcome your problems, whatever they are, or to just better what you do have to be all that God intended you to be
God Bless you all today
You Have Control
One of my favourite quotes has always been – if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.
How often have you cried and prayed for things to be different, but then got up and done the same things as the day before?
You won't have more money if you don't put in the work.
You won't have a loving relationship if you don't take the time to nurture it.
You won't have a beautiful house if you don't get outside paint it.
We often look to others to change how we feel, but the reality is the only person who can change how we feel is us and the only way we are going to succeed is by doing. Not all circumstances are changeable and most are not changeable immediately, but there are always steps we can take to improve our situations and at the very least, the way we see our situation.
Not all of us are ready to take ownership and see how our behaviour and interactions ends us up in the life we may not want, but I encourage you to think about your own behaviour rather than those around you.
What can you change to better yourself that may better the situation?
This does not mean we forgive and forget, allow people to walk all over us, or give all of ourselves to others, it is simply a different way to look at the situation and start gaining some power back at the fact that YOU do have control to make things better if you want to.
The baby
When Annie was first born, every mummy told me to treasure the precious moments as they will go so fast. Boy, weren’t they right? Our Annie is now nearly 17 weeks old, trying to roll over and desperate to crawl and walk. She has been swimming and absolutely loves it, so that will be a frequent outing for us. And goodness, it’s an outing. Taking a baby swimming takes a lot of planning! No longer can I just hop in car, shoot for a quick swim and then hop back to work. It is a day’s worth of event now!
Christmas was a grand affair at my parent’s house – their first grandchild was thoroughly spoiled! Her favourite present was definitely her baby bouncer (where she boings in the doorway) and the wrapping paper of course!
So, the great vaccine debate…..Ludo (hubby) and I had resolutely decided that Annie would not be vaccinated. This was for a number of reasons. The first being that our nephew regressed at 18 months, the second being that we have a high incidence of OCD, depression and other mental illnesses in our extended family, the third being that we felt they are just full of horrendous stuff and I couldn’t bear to put that into her little body. Lastly, I am beginning to doubt the vaccine theory at all. However, all of our decisions were based on Annie being a naturally home-birthed, fully mummy-breast-fed baby. Neither of those happened and with me needing (and wanting) to continue with work which entails a great deal of travel, and Annie being exposed to a lot of very poorly people through our voluntary work, we had to make the heart breaking decision to give her her first round of baby vaccinations. We gave these at 12 as opposed to 8 weeks. We will give her next lot spread out and on a delayed schedule and, at this point in time, Annie will not be receiving any further to her being one year old.
I had always thought everything so black and white and ‘research’ driven, but being a mum just isn’t like that. There are so many shades of grey affecting everything we do, and all we can do is make the very best decision based on the information we have in our hand and not look back.
As many of you know, I didn’t ever start my maternity leave and was even on my blackberry whilst in labour! Work isn’t ‘work’ for me, it’s a way of life and I am just as passionate about the progress of our families and my incredible team as I am passionate about my own family. I have really struggled, however, time wise, but the team have been brilliant... I have been able to really spend my Annie time with Annie, and my work time working. Annie is in an amazing routine, so I have plenty of time to work (which I often do instead of sleep….must work on that one ;), but now I need to find time to be a wife as my poor husband is being significantly ignored!
Another dilemma we’ve had this month is when to introduce food and how. I am currently looking into baby-led weaning (and yes, yesterday I let Annie have a suck of my apple) – does anyone have any thoughts ? (other than the crazy mess it will produce)….
And finally, NCT groups and baby groups. Our experiences thus far have been far from desirable.
- I find it nigh on impossible to make anything on time and
- how are mums already comparing abilities of their weeks old babies?!
No, Annie can’t roll yet. Yes, I know she’s late in this area. No, I’m not bothered. She is 16 weeks old, for goodness sake. I find myself saying, ‘but she slept through the night at 2 weeks’ and ‘she can do cause and effect toys’. Grow up, Lu! No, I don’t know how much she weighed and no, I can’t tell you the time or colour of her last poo. But I can tell you when our last snuggle was, and the feeling she gives me when she looks into my eyes 
and I can also tell you the number of rolls above her knees (three).
Well, that’s it from me for this month, however next month I will be happy to bore you with my return to work and the amazing support our families have given me. I will also let you know our food decisions, whether we vaccinated again and I will let you into my car dilemma (I am refusing to get a ‘mumsy’ car and instead keeping going with my 3 door, completely impractical car which doesn’t fit my german shepherd in, let alone Annie, her paraphernalia & a german shepherd….)
Coping with being a Parent!
We have seen over the years many clients who are parents trying to cope with very difficult situations and their children behaving in ways that cause them distress and parents who cannot understand why their child would display such disturbing and unacceptable language and actions.
Some parents feel as though it is their own fault and blame themselves which can lead onto feelings of guilt and depression. Other parents feel that the environment the child is being raised in is at fault which can result in feeling out of control and having a heightened level of anxiety and panic.
As we are aware children do respond and act out when stressful and disturbing situations arise, such as family breakdown, changing schools and new arrivals to the family and as parents these are also the times that we can be under more pressure and stress to cope with changing circumstances.
At Kadayer Christian Counselling we are here to support you by helping to explore the changes that may be needed to benefit your family. This can be to initially empower and encourage the parent to feel as though they have the strength to implement new ideas. An important part of the counselling process is often to look at how much of our own past experiences, especially within our family of origin, are still helpful to us now and what could be damaging within our current relationships and family.
We look at the family dynamics that have been created and how roles, good and bad, have been taken on by each member and are they helpful or harmful? We look at what can be changed if they are damaging the well being of this family group.
Generations can pass down some lovely traditions but also some attitudes and ideas that are detrimental to your family life. The key can be to understand what is actually occurring and why and when you are emotionally involved it can be difficult to do this. Counselling can help as we provide an objective overview of the situation and space for you to discuss whatever is happening in a confidential and caring place. We can create with you new ways of understanding and therefore changing the way you think and react to your children and situations. This may include implementing boundaries that have not been in place before or creating a reward system that works within the relationship you have with your children. The most important part is that you are feeling good enough about yourself to work through this difficult stage in family life.
We are here to support and help you so please take a look around and contact us for an initial consultation.
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