The death of someone you love can drive a wedge between you and your partner. Grief is hard, stressful and tiring and if your partner doesn't know how to help you handle the pain, your relationship can become very strained. This is all the more so if you have both lost a child and are dealing with the grief in very different ways.

The grieving process is long and there are no quick fixes but with the right interventions and support you can work through your grief together, without your relationship falling apart in the process.

 

Where one person gains power and control over another person, this can be defined as emotional abuse.  The torment of emotional abuse can continue for many years and because it leaves no physical scars some sufferers never seek help for it.  It includes verbal aggression, neglect and ignoring or isolating a person.  Emotional abuse can lead to a whole range of problems, including:

•    Depression or Anxiety
•    Increased isolation from friends and family
•    Low self-esteem and self-confidence
•    Fearful or agitated behaviour
•    Addiction to alcohol or drugs
•    Increased isolation from social situations

With the right interventions and support, the power of emotional abuse can be broken. Counselling, Psychotherapy, Behaviour Therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy are a range of proven therapies for tackling this problem.  If you think you are experiencing emotional abuse or if you are emotionally abusing someone and don't know how to stop, it's time to get help.

Whichever form it takes, domestic violence has a devastating impact on a person's life.  Domestic violence is a harsh reality for people across the country, including Christians.  In recent years we have also seen a dramatic rise in the numbers of men experiencing domestic violence.

If you are being physically abused by a partner, parent, sibling, child or friend, it is time to get help to break the cycle of helplessness and abuse. Or, if you are engaging in violent behaviour towards another person, we can help you to break these destructive and harmful behaviours.  Our goal is always to resolve the situation in the safest way possible, maintaining the family unit where possible.  In situations of early intervention the abuse can often be stopped and, in many cases, the relationship can be restored.  Where this is not possible, we will work with you to keep you safe and to work through the effects of the abuse so that you can move on and face the future again.




Conflict can be internal and relate only to yourself, or it can be between two or more individuals. Conflict often occurs when opinions differ. Whilst conflict can be healthy, it is only so if it is resolved and both or all parties have their say. When conflict becomes a regular part of a life style or home, it needs to be addressed. If it isn’t addressed it can eat away at relationships and cause relationship breakdown. The result of this can often be devastating to individuals and families. We will work with you to resolve this conflict and to equip you with tools to restore future conflict in a healthy way, working to restore any damage which may have been done.

When the conflict is internal it is helpful to source outside help with an objective perspective. We will work with you, equipping you with tools to move through any episodes of internal conflict which may occur. This is important as internal conflict can affect your relationships, your self esteem and also your ability to reason. Conflict can cause great anxiety.


-    Adultery

Sadly adultery has a prominent place in our society. There seems to be no one who hasn’t been affected by adultery in some way, from intended adultery through to one night stands or an ongoing affair. Adultery doesn’t always involve sex. Adultery is when you give pieces of yourself which are meant just for your partner.

The bible is very clear – adultery does allow divorce and is one of the only allowances. However, it is also clear that divorce should not come lightly. Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).

Adultery is one of the most devastating things a person can go through as it involves shock (even if you have suspicions), betrayal, a raw and deep hurt, the shattering of all illusions and dreams, shame, and often friendship breakdown and family upheaval. Adultery always results in some level of grief, often to a very acute level.

We will help you and your family through all of this, whether you are the one who has been betrayed or you are the one considering or having committed adultery. We will not judge you and we will not take sides. What we will do is listen, care and help you to put a plan together to restore your life and relationships the way you want them to be restored. We will help you to come to rational conclusions and, where a marriage can be saved, we will do our best to help you to achieve this. Where appropriate, we will also work with children and extended family members to deal with the effects adultery may have had on them.

We want to assure you that where there is willing we can help you to save your marriage. We want you to have a new husband or wife in your own spouse. We will help you to move through the hurts to a new place of restoration. Where this is not the wanted outcome, we will still help you to get to a new place of restoration. The path to that place will just look a little different.



-    Growing apart – emotional adultery

“My wife and I feel disconnected. Instead of growing together we have grown apart over the years. Is there something we can do to help our marriage?” sadly, this is such a common question. The answer is yes there definitely is.
Relationships only sustain when there is a healthy balance and equal giving and taking. Just as cars cannot run without fuel, people do not “run on empty”. Something is going to fill you up to keep you going. If it’s not your spouse, it will often become something else – work, children, projects, an affair. If nothing is filling you up to keep your going, you’re most likely in an extremely depressed state and you may given up on all hope.
All that being said, the same is true with your marriage. If your husband or wife is not filling that relational void that we all have, then something or someone else will soon become a substitute (and a poor one at that).
Many couples, after the newness of marriage wears off, start to turn to their children, their jobs, their careers, grandchildren, members of the opposite sex, and hobbies for emotional and mental fulfillment. Though all of these things have a place in our lives, they are never to replace the spot that your spouse should be taking in your heart and mind.
If you study Proverbs 5:15 and 17, you will find that this verse is dealing directly with marriage. This passage is teaching the concept of monogamy within a marriage. However, it is not just addressing physical monogamy, but also emotional monogamy. The entire passage is teaching that marriage is to be the most satisfying relationship that we have with another human being on earth, and we are never to look to other things and people to substitute the spot in our hearts that our husband or wife should be taking.
Unfortunately men seem to have more emotional intimacy with their gym or pub buddies than they do their wives. Many women feel safer sharing their feelings with their friends than they do their husbands. This is not the way God designed marriage to be. This is a dangerous place for couples to be in, and, often times, leads to the real thing.
Have your hopes for a fulfilling relationship with your husband or wife been dashed by conflict? Have your dreams of having a happy, lifelong relationship with your husband or wife turned into an anxious nightmare? Do you feel like you are surviving rather than thriving in your marriage by replacing the place of your spouse with other things and people? Has your sex life dwindled or become non existent? This is not how we are supposed to be living. Our spouse should be our most intimate partner in every aspect of our lives.
This may seem like a long lost dream and an impossible aspiration, but you can achieve this. We will work closely with you to restore your breaking hearts and marriage to a place that is full of love and laughter again, with joint ambitions and dreams.

“Louise said that I could get a new husband in my old one. I really thought she was the one who needed help. Crazy for believing such a thing. She helped me to put baby step plans in place to change mine and my husband’s behaviour. I knew she was covering me with prayer in between our sessions. We now go on date nights every week and our conflicts are much lower than before I went to Louise. My husband comes with me to sessions once a month. Never thought I would see it. We have sex again. I feel like I am getting the man back I married. We still have a long way to go I’m sure but I know with Louise we will get there.” Maria Cheam

Many of us have been affected by adultery in some way, either as a child or partner of a person who has committed adultery, or as someone who has committed adultery themselves.  Being on the receiving end of adultery is one of the most devastating things a person can go through as it involves shock, betrayal, a raw and deep hurt and family upheaval.  Adultery always results in some level of grief, often to a very acute level.

We will help you and your family through all of this, whether you are the one who has been betrayed or you are the one having committed adultery.  We will not judge you and we will not take sides.  We will listen, care and help you to put a plan together to restore your life and your relationship.  Where a marriage can be saved, we will do our best to help you to achieve this.  Where appropriate, we may also work with your children and other family members to help them work through the impact of the adultery on them.  Where a relationship cannot be restored, we will help you piece your life back together and put a strategy in place to help you work through the pain and move on to a new life.

A situation of conflict often occurs when there is a serious difference of opinion.  When conflict is unresolved or becomes a regular part of your life it needs to be addressed so that it doesn't damage you and destroy your relationship.  We will work with you to resolve the conflict and will equip you with the tools to restore future conflict in a healthy way, as well as working to restore any damage which may have been done.

But conflict can also be internal, so that those closest to you may be totally unaware of it.  When this is the case an objective, external perspective is essential.  We will work with you, equipping you with tools to move through any episodes of internal conflict in your life.  This will minimise the effects the conflict is having on your relationships, your self esteem and also your ability to reason.

'We have grown apart' is something we hear a lot at Kadayer.  Once the first flush of love has worn off many people fill the void this leaves with other things like children, careers, grandchildren and hobbies.  Whilst all of these things are, of themselves, very worthwhile, they were never intended to replace your partner's role  in your heart and mind.  If the emotional void is not addressed, it can lead to deep hurt, adultery and even relationship breakdown.

Are you experiencing any of the following:

• Ongoing and unresolved conflict or hurt?
• A feeling of 'surviving' rather than 'thriving in your relationship?
• A feeling of hopelessness about the future?
• A poor or non-existent sex life?

It may seem like an impossible aspiration, but with the right input and help you really can turn your relationship around.  We will work closely with you to restore your broken heart and marriage, so that you can enjoy a fulfiling, loving and lasting relationship with your spouse.

Many of the people we meet are struggling to deal with pain and trauma and this affects many areas of their life, particularly their relationship with their partner.  This pain could stem from bereavement, past abuse or negect, adultery, abortion, miscarriage or the loss of a child.  We will help you to work together to confront your pain and help you to find practical strategies to help you move forward in your life, both as an individual and as a couple.

When a relationship breaks down it can be devastating for the couple, their children and those close to them.  The breakdown can be caused by a whole range of things, including communication or sexual problems, adultery, bereavement or a child with special needs or behavioural problems.  But as we have seen time and time again, a broken relationship can be fixed.  We will stand with you as you seek to rebuild your marriage, helping you confront the pain, forgive one another and giving you the support you need to piece your relationship back together.

But we also recognise that life is painful.  Life can be messy.  And sometimes reconciliation isn't appropriate or possible.  Where this is the case we can also help you to work through the trauma of separation or divorce and find practical ways to move forward in your life.  We offer prayer ministry as part of this because we recognise that professional psychological interventions and counselling only go so far and only God can heal a person at the very deepest level.

Most couples at some stage in their relationship will experience sexual problems of some kind.  Christian couples are no different.  Some of the most common areas we can help you with are low sex drive, premature ejaculation, lust problems and sexual addiction.  We will help you understand what is causing your sexual problems and produce a strategy to help you and your partner overcome whatever you are struggling with.  We will also pray with you and for you as part of this, if you would like this.  What's more, you don't need to worry about us judging you or condemning you.  And you can once again enjoy a happy and healthy sex life.

Over the years we have met countless couples for whom poor communication is at the very heart of their problems.  We will help you to identifiy priority areas and will come up with a strategy to help you communicate effectively and manage conflict constructively.  We will provide the training and support you need to enable you to do this.  We will also pray with you and for you, if you would like this.